


In Which Karkat Tries This Pranking Thing

by saintjoy



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Adorable pranking boyfriends, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-12
Updated: 2012-11-12
Packaged: 2017-11-18 13:02:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/561363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saintjoy/pseuds/saintjoy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>EB: dude, there's no way you can out-prank the prankster.<br/>EB: even if you were my apprentice for years, you couldn't even hope to surpass my skills!<br/>EB: just face it. i'm awesome.<br/>EB: but you're pretty cool, too ;)<br/>CG: IT'S A CHALLENGE, THEN.<br/>EB: not for me, kitkat.<br/>CG: I'M SORRY, I DON'T SEE ANY CRISPY CHOCOLATE BARS INVOLVED IN THIS CONVERSATION.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In Which Karkat Tries This Pranking Thing

\--carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] at 19:13--

 

CG: JOHN DOUCHESHITTING EGBERT.

CG: REMIND ME WHY THE FLYNG FUCK I PUT UP WITH YOUR PRANKING TOMFUCKERY.

EB: because you love me.

CG: THAT WOULD BE A VALID POINT IF I WERE PUTTING UP WITH IT AT THE CURRENT MOMENT.

CG: BUT, COINCIDENTALLY, I'M NOT.

CG: I SAW THE SHREDDED BITS OF MY SERENDIPITY POSTER IN THE BLENDER.

CG: IF I HAD NOT REALIZED THREE SECONDS LATER THAT I LITERALLY JUST HAD BEEN IN OUR RESPITEBLOCK AND YOU SIMPLY SHREDDED A CHEAP PHOTOCOPY OF SAID POSTER, YOU WOULD HAVE COME HOME TO FIND ME COLLAPSED ON THE FLOOR, FROTHING AT THE MOUTH WITH DYING RAGESPITTLE.

CG: BE THANKFUL THAT I'M JUST USED TO ENOUGH OF YOUR BULLSHIT THAT YOU DIDN'T END UP KILLING YOUR BOYFRIEND.

CG: BY THE WAY FUCK YOU FOR THAT, IF I DIDN'T EXPRESS IT CLEAR ENOUGH.

EB: come on, that was classic!

EB: you totally flipped your shit, didn't you.

EB: but hey, at least i had the decency to photocopy it rather than use the real thing.

EB: (i never noticed how stuck those things were to the walls)

CG: YEAH, "DECENT," MY VOCIFEROUS ASSHOLE.

CG: BUT AS I WAS SAYING, I'M NOT PUTTNG UP WITH YOUR PRANKSTER'S SHIT ANY LONGER.

EB: ...you're breaking up with me? :(

CG: WHAT.

CG: NO, GOD, WHY WOULD YOU EVEN THINK OF SUCH A THING?

CG: FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK, YOUR UTTER STUPIDITY NEVER CEASES TO BLOW MY THINK SPONGE OUT OF THE WATER.

CG: EITHER WAY.

CG: WHAT I *MEANT* WAS THAT I'M GOING TO BEAT YOU AT YOUR OWN GAME.

CG: GIVE YOU A TASTE OF YOUR OWN MEDICINE.

EB: is it the tasty red cherry type of medicine?

CG: NO, IT'S THE PUTRID FOUL-TASTING SOUR SHIT CALLED ARTIFICIAL GRAPE THAT MIGHT AS WELL HAVE BEEN EXCRETED FROM THE BOWELS OF AN ANGEL WHO WAS TOO IGNORANT TO REALIZE HOW SHITTY HE WAS FOR PULLING BLOOD PUSHER-STOPPING PRANKS ON PEOPLE HE SUPPOSEDLY LOVED.

EB: so... you're calling me an angel? but you're also telling me to eat my own shit. that tastes like grape-flavored medicine.

CG: YES, EXACTLY.

CG: +1 POINT FOR EGBERT'S MASTERING OF DECODERAGERANTKIND.

CG: GOLD STAR FOR YOU.

EB: dude, there's no way you can out-prank the prankster.

EB: even if you were my apprentice for years, you couldn't even hope to surpass my skills!

EB: just face it. i'm awesome.

EB: but you're pretty cool, too ;)

CG: IT'S A CHALLENGE, THEN.

EB: not for me, kitkat.

CG: I'M SORRY, I DON'T SEE ANY CRISPY CHOCOLATE BARS INVOLVED IN THIS CONVERSATION.

EB: you heard me.

EB: or, i guess, read me?

CG: WHATEVER.

CG: JUST YOU WAIT. THE STORM CALLED KARKAT FUCKING VANTAS IS LOOMING OVER THE HORIZON, RAINING DOWN LIQUID SORROW AND FIERY BULLETS OF FUCK YOU.

CG: YOU WILL SEE THE TRUE PRANKING WRATH OF YOUR BELOVED BOY-MATE FRIEND-SPRIT.

CG: UNTIL NEXT TIME.

EB: do i at least get a kiss goodbye?

CG: NO, NOT WHEN WAR IS BEING WAGED.

EB: :(

CG: BYE, MORON. <3

EB: hehehe. <3

 

\--carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling ectoBiologist [EB] at 19:34--

 

\--ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 20:07--

 

EB: slipping a whoopee cushion under my butt while we're making out doesn't count as a prank.

CG: YOU COUNTED IT WHEN *YOU* DID IT.

EB: ...fair enough.

 

\--ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 20:08--

 

\--ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 7:53--

 

EB: i happen to like my new desktop background.

EB: nic cage is not a bad-looking guy.

CG: YEAH, SLEAZY CRAPPY ACTORS LOOK THEIR BEST WHEN THEY'RE STARING INTO YOUR SOUL WITH A RATHER INSANE GLINT IN THEIR EYES.

EB: nope. not disconcerting in the least.

CG: CON AIR.

EB: fuck you.

CG: HAHAHA.

 

\--carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling ectoBiologist [EB] at 7:58--

 

EB: ...asshole. <3

 

\--ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 9:25--

 

EB: it's kinda cute how you think the swapping out of shampoo for blue cheese dressing would actually work on me.

EB: i think i know the smell of citrus fruit well enough to not let myself mistake the stink of blue cheese for it.

CG: ARE YOU STILL IN THE SHOWER?

EB: yeah, why?

CG: JUST ASKING.

CG: SHAMPOO'S ON THE COUNTER DOWNSTAIRS.

EB: can you get it for me? not be a dickwad for once?

CG: HAHA. THAT'S HILARIOUS.

 

\--carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling ectoBiologist [EB] at 9:30--

 

EB: dude!!! it's cold!

EB: and it's all the way downstairs :(

EB: you're the worst.

 

\--ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 9:31--

 

\--carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] at 9:31--

 

CG: LOVE YOU TO PIECES, HONEYBUNS.

 

\--carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling ectoBiologist [EB] at 9:32--

 

\--ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 9:35--

 

EB: karkat!

EB: are you seriously going to make me run downstairs without even a towel?

EB: when did you even take it?

EB: i didn't see you come into the bathroom!

EB: ...karkat, really? you're not even gonna answer me?

EB: bluh, fine! if you want me to go downstairs in my birthday suit, i'll do it.

EB: as i said, you can't out-prank me. i'm simply the best there is.

EB: here i come.

 

\--ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 9:38--

 

JOHN: holy shit.

KARKAT: HEY, NOOKWHIFFER.

JOHN: are you... under that...? 

KARKAT: I GUESS YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO COME OVER HERE AND FIND OUT.

JOHN: hell yes i wi--

JOHN: wait.

JOHN: this is another one of your stupid pranks, isn't it?

JOHN: geez, haven't you done enough?

KARKAT: I DON'T KNOW, HAVE I??

KARKAT: HAVE YOU HAD ENOUGH YET?

JOHN: ...not on your life. but know i'm walking right into this prank knowing that it's a prank. which means it's not a prank anymore because i won't be surprised. your prank is nullified.

KARKAT: ARE YOU GOING TO GET OVER HERE AND START KISSING ME OR WATCH ME DIE OF OLD AGE FIRST?

KARKAT: ...MMF.

KARKAT: AHNN...

JOHN: mm, kark--

JOHN: what was that.

JOHN: what is on me.

KARKAT: FOUND YOUR SHAMPOO.

KARKAT: BETTER GET BACK INTO THE SHOWER TO WASH THAT OFF.

KARKAT: AND TAKE CARE OF THAT BONER YOU JUST GOT.

JOHN: you're a horrible person.

KARKAT: REVENGE IS SWEET, ISN'T IT.

KARKAT: IT'S NOT OVER UNTIL YOU SAY THAT I AM A FUCKING AWESOME PRANKSTER. AND THAT I WIN THIS WAR.

JOHN: you have an ugly butt.

KARKAT: DIDN'T HEAR YOU SAYING THAT WHEN YOU WERE GROPING IT TO HIGH HELL THE OTHER MOMENT.

KARKAT: SEE YOU, HOT STUFF.

JOHN: i hate you so much.

KARKAT: NO, YOU DON'T.

JOHN: no, i don't. 

 

\--asinineCutiepie [AC] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 10:01--

 

AC: wH<3t Th<3 H<3lL <3s G<3<3nG <3n.

AC: Wh<3 <3S m<3 P<3sT<3rCh<3M f<3Ck<3D <3p?

AC: <3 C<3n'T r<3<3D <3 tH<3nG <3'm S<3y<3Ng.

AC: K<3rK<3t Wh<3T d<3D y<3<3 D<3??

CG: WHAT? I CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'RE TYPING.

CG: LOOKS LIKE THERE ARE TOO MANY FUCKING HEARTS IN THE WAY.

CG: YOU SHOULD PROBABLY FIX THAT.

AC: <3 C<3n'T!

AC: y<3<3 L<3cK<3d <3T <3r S<3m<3Th<3Ng

AC: Pl<3<3S<3 f<3X <3t :(

CG: PASSWORD'S TAPED TO THE REFRIGERATOR.

AC: <3R<3 y<3<3 K<3dD<3nG m<3.

AC: Th<3S <3sN't F<3nN<3.

CG: WHATEVER YOU SAY, ASININE CUTIEPIE.

 

\--carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling asinineCutiepie [AC] at 10:14--

 

AC: bL<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3h

AC: Y<3<3'r<3 <3 D<3cK.

AC: <3t'S y<3<3.

 

JOHN: karkat where are you??

JOHN: i know the password is on the fridge.

JOHN: but i also know you're setting me up.

JOHN: again.

JOHN: please, come on, where are you.

JOHN: fine! i give up! you're the master prankster.

JOHN: i said it, are you happy now??

KARKAT: ... 

KARKAT: DO YOU MEAN IT?

JOHN: fuck no. i will always be the master prankster and you know it.

JOHN: and while i admit that they're a little clever, your tricks still are mediocre in comparison to my sophisticated pranking style.

JOHN: my prankster's gambit is at god tier, dude.

KARKAT: SUIT YOURSELF.

JOHN: what are you dAAARRRRHGGHHHHHHHGHGHGH

JOHN: WHAT IS THIS SHIT!?

KARKAT: HAHAHAHAHA. HOW THE TABLES HAVE TURNED.

JOHN: is this... apple juice?

KARKAT: YOU WISH IT WAS APPLE JUICE.

JOHN: no.

JOHN: no way, this is NOT

JOHN: KARKAT ARE YOU SAYING THIS IS PISS

KARKAT: PERHAPS.

JOHN: OH FUCK EW NO

JOHN: TOO FUCKING FAR

JOHN: NO EW AAAAARGHHHHH

KARKAT: ...

KARKAT: IF YOU CAN TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BLUE CHEESE DRESSING AND SHAMPOO, YOU WOULD THINK YOU COULD TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN APPLE JUICE AND URINE.

KARKAT: BUT IT'S ACTUALLY NEITHER.

KARKAT: THAT FOOD COLORING WAS EXPENSIVE AS FUCK.

KARKAT: THE PASSWORD IS "I LOVE JOHN CUSACK," ALL ONE WORD.

JOHN: fuuuuuck!

 

\--ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 10:48--

 

EB: it wasn't urine.

CG: NOPE.

EB: fine, i admit that was pretty funny. 

EB: but did you really have to replace the shampoo again?

EB: i don't even know what this is.

CG: TROLL PHEROMONES.

EB: what.

CG: I CAN PICK IT OUT FROM ALL THE WAY IN THE KITCHEN. YOU SMELL LIKE A SEX GOD.

EB: WHAT.

CG: IF I DON'T START KISSING YOU IMMEDIATELY I THINK I'LL DIE FROM UNFULFILLED SEXUAL AROUSAL. HURRY UP AND GET DOWNSTAIRS YOU BEAUTIFUL MORON.

 

\--ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 10:52--

 

KARKAT: FELL FOR IT.

JOHN: you are an asshole in the worst way possible.

JOHN: should've known troll pheromones couldn't have smelled faintly of mint and coconut.

KARKAT: YOU SHOULD PROBABLY GO TAKE ANOTHER SHOWER.

JOHN: no way. i saw the green hair dye in the shopping bag.

KARKAT: THEN HOW DO YOU SUPPOSE YOU'LL GET ALL THAT SYRUP OFF YOU?

JOHN: i'll lick it off.

JOHN: and make you watch.

KARKAT: EH. YOU COULD DO WORSE.

JOHN: but i don't want to! i don't want to start pranking you back because then we're both gonna get mad at each other.

JOHN: and then we're just going to keep messing with each other more and more and it'll never stop because we're both so stubborn!

JOHN: i don't want to go black with you, karkat :(

KARKAT: WHY WOULD YOU THINK--

KARKAT: OH.

KARKAT: UH. YEAH.

JOHN: uh, yeah.

KARKAT: I DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT. YOU KNOW THAT MY CALIGINOUS FEELINGS FOR YOU ARE LONG MADE ASHES FROM THE FIRE AND BRIMSTONE OF THE LOWEST CIRCLE OF HELL.

KARKAT: I'M NOT BLACK FOR YOU. I JUST WAS. FRUSTRATED, I GUESS.

JOHN: no, i know.

JOHN: i just never expected you to get so good!

JOHN: i guess years of watching me rubbed off on you ;)

KARKAT: NO, I'M SUPPOSED TO BE THE SHITTY PRANKSTER IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.

KARKAT: PRANKING ISN'T MY THING.

KARKAT: ROMANCE IS.

KARKAT: AND I GUESS I'M SORRY FOR FUCKING UP.

JOHN: no, shoosh, you did great.

JOHN: i'm proud of you.

JOHN: my apprentice <3

KARKAT: YOU REALIZE THAT WE'RE GOING TO GET STUCK TOGETHER LIKE THIS IF YOU KEEP HUGGING ME.

JOHN: mm, don't care. i wouldn't mind if we were literally attached to each other for the rest of our lives.

KARKAT: SO, IS THIS A THING? IF I START PRANKING, YOU START GETTING ROMANTIC?

JOHN: maybe.

JOHN: mmm...

JOHN: mm. have i ever mentioned that you are an excellent kisser, kitkat?

KARKAT: MORE TIMES THAN I'D LIKE TO REMEMBER.

KARKAT: I'M STILL NOT A CHOCOLATE BAR.

JOHN: and you don't have an ugly butt, either.

JOHN: you have the best butt.

JOHN: it fits perfectly in my hands.

KARKAT: OW! DON'T FUCKING PINCH IT!

JOHN: hehehe.

JOHN: and you're not a horrible person. or a dickwad. or an asshole. well, okay maybe that last one.

KARKAT: YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW YOU WERE KIDDING?

KARKAT: I'M OFFENDED THAT YOU UNDERESTIMATED MY INTELLIGENCE BY SUCH A VAST MARGIN.

JOHN: i love you.

JOHN: so much.

JOHN: C:

KARKAT: I LOVE YOU, TOO, IDIOT. I CAN'T SEE HOW YOU COULD EVER MISTAKE IT FOR ANYTHING ELSE. 

JOHN: you wanna get showered off together?

JOHN: i mean, since we're stuck like this.

KARKAT: YOUR EYEBROWS ARE THE MOST RIDICULOUS THINGS I'VE EVER SEEN.

KARKAT: QUIT WAGGLING THEM.

JOHN: i can't, they're just out of control!

JOHN: i think you know what you're going to have to do to wrangle them in.

KARKAT: BETTER GRAB THE SHAMPOO. IT'S UNDER THE SINK.

JOHN: so that's where you hid the rPBBBLT!

KARKAT: OH, SHIT.

KARKAT: SORRY.

KARKAT: I FORGOT ABOUT THAT ONE.

JOHN: it's fine.

JOHN: all the more gunk to smother your lips with when i kiss you.

KARKAT: I HAPPEN TO LIKE MUSTARD.

JOHN: i happen to like you.

JOHN: a lot.

KARKAT: TRUCE?

JOHN: truce. for now at least.

JOHN: oh! nn... 

JOHN: handshakes are too platonic for us?

JOHN: how about an ass-grab?

KARKAT: HOW ABOUT NO.

JOHN: you know you like it.

KARKAT: ARE WE GOING TO SHOWER OFF OR WHAT?

JOHN: sounds like a plan.

JOHN: only if you smooch me first.

KARKAT: ...MUSTARD AND SYRUP IS NOT A GOOD MIX AT ALL.

JOHN: no, no it's not.


End file.
